Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
