Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
