my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
