i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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