on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
