Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
