I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
