Who did Billy Mays play for?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
