his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So vagazzling was a success
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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