So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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