Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
