Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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