Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
