I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
