Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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