i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
