my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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