I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
