Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
