why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
50% drunk capacity currently
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
