when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
