What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm having to shit out rocks
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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