Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
