i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
