$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
