Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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