I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
