There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
