I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
