Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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