my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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