I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
