And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
