Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
