My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
