My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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