I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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