im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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