After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
