I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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