What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
