You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
