i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
