I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
