I molested 6 butterflies tonight
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
