You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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