Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
