What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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