I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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