when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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