Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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