Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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