Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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