i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
