i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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