she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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