It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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