there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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